the same living room i’ve seen for years. a little messy but i like it that way. comfortable. cozy. home. i can see my mom in everything. she’s rearranged this furniture a dozen times in the past six months. she’s in these denim couches. she’s in the paintings on the walls. the flowers on the porch. the colorful pasta bowls in the kitchen. i took this place for granted every day. those nights i didn’t come home. there were times when i would leave to go be with friends and driving away i felt a twinge at my heart as i looked back thinking, what if i never saw this place again? but then, oh i’ll be home tomorrow. i won’t be home tomorrow on sunday. there won’t be familiarity in other places. there won’t be home for me. just here. i am here.
it’s hard to see these faces and face the harsh reality that it’s all transient. i’m here now but now is so yesterday. yesterday it was in five months and now done. the tickets are bought i’ll be gone and this place will only be in my dreams her face will only be on a screen his advice will only be on a phone line and the smell of the smoke on the porch will only be a someday, maybe christmas.
the cats, they drove me crazy some nights. thunder down the hallway kept me awake, the litter box was everywhere. but i loved them. the clumsy one the skittish one the one on the refridgerator looking down on us with irreverance. they all owned us. who knows if i’ll be able to have little paws running around, little green eyes staring out at me in the night. a companion when he’s gone. i’m afraid of being all alone.
i want my cake and eat it too. i want my lover and my family. i want to carry them with me when i leave. i want to ship them every where i go, meet me at the airport when i get there, carry me through california japan and wherever else i go. make dinner, play scrabble, see movies in parks, watch the scifi channel and the braves, go to church, paint your paintings for all of us to see. i don’t want to leave.
i hold my head up high some days but we all lay our heads back down at night. we puff our chest up in the daytime but we all breath the same in our sleep. this is real. and this is so, so very hard.
This morning was, perhaps, the most difficult of my life. It was so hard to see you go but at the same time I was so proud! I had so much to say but could say none of it because I was barely holding myself together. Even now I have to keep stopping to wipe my eyes so I can see the computer. You’ve been gone less than two hours and I miss you so much already.
Jen, you will always be my little girl. No matter where you are you will be here with me in my heart. I know you’re sad to leave, as I’m sad to see you go, but I hope you’ll look forward, not back. You and Arron have so much to look forward to and our separation is only temporary. We will be together again and it will be like we were never apart.
I’m so proud of you! I can’t believe how you’ve grown and matured. You are a not a little girl anymore. You are a woman and Arron is the luckiest man alive. You are both in my prayers every day.
Take advantage of everything ahead of you. See all you can see, do all you can do, learn all you can learn. And make friends along the way. Real friends, not just acquaintances. Build deep friendships that last a lifetime, regardless of separation.
Be a good wife to Arron, as I know you will. Work hard to build a strong marriage. Know that I love you always.
Dad
okay…i have been struggling since i woke up at 1:00 in the morning….and all day long, and your dad finally sent me your website link…and oh my gosh. i am boohooing my eyes out. but that is to be expected of “mom”. yeesh.
now jen, you are an all natural writer! God has give you a talent!!! every post has been an emotional roller coaster – don’t cheat the world! write, write, and write! you come out from behind your shield and shine like the sun when you write! oh my leetle girl, I MUST see you within 12 months as you promised. any longer and i will just go bezerk! (Biscuit says hi! she has beat up on the guys just enough to let them know she won’t take any crap from them, and now they are settling down to normality. she probably will quit jumping them in the next week or so
love and hugs and hugs and love and kisses!!!
Mom
I read your posts and i think you got talent in writing
Thank you!