I caught the tail end of an emergency broadcast announcement on the radio “…flash floods and 300 mile an hour winds, stay indoors!!”

I was sharing my bed with my great grandmother. I looked over at her, worried about how I could protect her, but knowing there was nothing I could ever do. My mother and grandmother were in both their beds on the other side of the room. I could hear the whistling wind and heavy rains outside and I knew it wouldn’t be long. It started out like the sound of a faucet left running and quickly changed to the sound of a waterfall. This wasn’t rain; this was the ocean coming straight for us. I looked towards the front door in a panic. Just as I fixed my eyes on the lock, both of the large bay windows in the living room shattered from the pressure of thousands of tons of water tearing through. I grabbed my great grandmother and turned her towards me, facing away from the water. She wasn’t even fighting it. She wasn’t afraid. In only a matter of seconds I had lost my grip and was swept across the room. Both windows on either side of me shattered, and bit by bit the wall gave way to the pressure of the sea. Clinging to the wood for dear life I knew I could not hang on for long.

“Why, God, why?” I screamed. “Not my family! Please don’t take them! Lord, save me! I can’t do this on my own, Father, help me!!!”

The terror completely paralyzed me, the thought of being swept out to sea, tossed about by the waves, with no support, no foundation, nothing to cling to…just completely helpless…beaten down until there was nothing left of me at all.

I woke up in a cold sweat, sat straight up, shaking, gasping for air and scared completely out of my mind. That was the scariest dream.

And my first thought was, that dream was different. It meant something, I just know it did. I immediately went to God.

Lord, I know that dream had meaning, please tell me what you are trying to say.

It was like he was right inside my head, speaking to me as clear as day.

“You are like a leaf, tossed about by the wind and the sea. You ran to me, you threw yourself at my feet, you repented, you begged for mercy and grace, you ripped your hair out, you cried and you prayed, and just like that, you threw yourself away and withdrew from me as the wave withdraws from the sand.

I am your God, I am your foundation, I am your strength and your mercy. Dig your roots deep into my name. Reach your branches out for my grace. Raise your leaves to sing my praise. I am your God, worship me. I am your Father, come to me. I am your holy spirit, rest in me.”

Now I could be just completely running away with an imagination here, but this was real to me and it buckled me. Two weekends ago, we had the Friendship Festival and Arron and I worked both days, all day, volunteering. It was miserably hot and humid, and we were in this tent, selling hot dogs and hamburgers. We got off late, came home exhausted, and I never even touched a Bible. That was Saturday and Sunday. Then Monday was my first day of classes so I was caught up in that. Then the weekend came and a new couple PCS’d here, so we were showing them “the town” all weekend, and then by Monday I had classes again. This dream happened Monday night. I thought about it the next day, and I thought, it must have just been my imagination running away from me. God wouldn’t speak directly to me, would he? And then tonight, I just couldn’t get it off my mind. And again, it was like he was speaking directly TO ME. Saying the SAME THING. I was like a leaf, so easily tossed about by the sea. It was far too easy for me forget and turn away. And now I repent again, get back up and worship the one true God.

James 1:1-18

*****update–just read this evenings “morning and evening” by spurgeon. Wow. What ARE THE ODDS? Wow. That is just. Man. God just spoke directly to me. Wow!

Thanks for the music list Jeremy! It’s funny, whenever you send me messages, I can never just read it on my cell-phone, I always have to sit down and pay close attention to what I’m reading because it’s so filled with rich information and scripture and references!! It’s interesting that you say it sounds like a Pilgrimage because I have been considering adding Pilgrim’s Progress from this World…etc to my reading list. I know it’s getting so long but there are SO many good books out there! Do you remember when we were kids and we had the children’s version on tape? I think it was Adventure’s in Odyssey. I loved that tape

I’m not sure how I feel about the whole Arms and Legs thing, only because, what is falling at the feet of Jesus if not completely falling? Perhaps it is a difference in intent, though, I’m not sure. I think you may have really touched on one of the points that has bothered me– because we always say, “without God, I am nothing.” I don’t think I’ve ever heard the converse of that phrase, and I think I always assumed that even with God, I am still nothing.

“I am nothing, God is everything.” I guess it would be sort of hard to go anywhere from that mind-set wouldn’t it? I mean, God is perfect and all-powerful, and he made me. While I certainly don’t mean to imply that he made mistakes or anything, I am a human and I am flawed. That’s because Adam and Eve sinned, I have sinned, and I am imperfect. Without God, I couldn’t breathe or function. So, I do have inherent value because I am a child of God, but I am still nothing without God, and that brings me back to “but WITH God…..?”

Maybe this is something I should really put a lot of thought and prayer into… while I wait for the enormous amount of wisdom I always enjoy from my brother and dad!

Gosh this is just so amazing! I’m getting teary eyed again. It’s like God is saying “okay, vacation’s over, time to get down and dirty, cause we got a lot of laundry to sort through!” I knew this would come. Like Samuel said, “Speak, for your servant hears!”

As a side note, man, I cannot imagine being Samuel and having to tell news like that to Eli, especially as a little kid. I would have been devastated.

Well, I’m off to read Samuel, and Jonah, and spend some serious quiet time with God! Mata ato de!

I will sing for the meek

Those who pray with their very lives for peace

Though they’re in chains for a higher call

Their mourning will change into laughter

When the nations fall

In spirit poor and mercy rich

They hunger for your righteousness

Their hearts refined in the purity

Lord let me shine for them

Lord let me sing

Lord let me shine for them

Lord let me sing

I can hardly even come up with a way to begin this post. In only 24 hours, the Lord has grabbed my heart and stirred up a commotion so unfathomable within… It is beyond words. He has brought me to my knees. These lyrics come from a song by Caedmon’s Call entitled “I Will Sing/Hope to Carry on [Live].” I listened to the CD while I was at the gym today and I almost had to step off of the treadmill because it so touched my heart. I have spent the entire last two days on the verge of tears, not because of sadness or despair, but due to the powerful movement going on in my heart. I know that revival is temporary and hard times will come—we can’t always be on the hilltops because the spiritual high is so shallow. I need to dig my roots firmly into the Word so I have a foundation to stand on when the spiritual storms come. But I find it hard to resist wishing I could stay on this hilltop forever!

I’m probably taking on too much when it comes to my reading material, but at this point I am pretty much spending all of my free time with God. I am reading “The Love Dare,” and the accompanying book, “Night Light” by Jim Dobson (?), Spurgeon’s “Morning and Evening,” John Bunyan’s “Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners,” and S. Thomas Aquinas “On Prayer and the Contemplative Life,” and of course, the Bible. That’s quite a load, lol. And let me tell you, that Love Dare book really hit’s hot issues. The very first day dealt with patience. They just jumped right in there, lol. The dare was “For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose not to say anything. It is better to hold your tongue than to say something you’ll regret. (James 1:19)”

Boy was that hard!! It’s easy to not even notice the little demeaning things you might say or think of your wife or husband. Of course I didn’t just wake up and start cursing Arron out today, but even little things like getting angry when he was rushing me out the door to go to the gym, or refraining from saying “honey can you not put trash in the sink?” or “baby please don’t pick the cat up and throw him across the room just because his meowing is getting on your nerves.” Nothing negative AT ALL. That can get really hard!! But it is so rewarding because it teaches you to pick and choose your battles which is inVALuable in a deep and fulfilling marriage! Now obviously, later on, throwing the cat will probably be a battle I do choose to fight, but gently tossing the cat, no. Kitteh’s are pretty tough. But trash in the sink? Not worth my marriage. And that’s a phrase I’ve come to repeat over and over again: “is it worth your marriage?” 99% of the time, no it’s not worth my marriage.

I’m so excited too, because 1 or 2 times Arron has shown interest in what I was reading. I’m trying to not shove this whole thing down his throat, but sometimes I just get SO excited and I just have to share what I’m learning with SOMEONE, and he’s right there! The first day of Night Light was so sweet and heart wrenching today, and he read it with me. Now we say “Shmily” to each other J

Well, today has been quite a day, filled with God-hugs, and I am ready to hit the hay. Though I’m not sure I’ll be able to sleep tonight due to excitement about what amazing things the Lord will teach me tomorrow!

my dad did it, i’m pretty sure my brother did it, and now i’m joining the family habit and changing the voice of my blog. i’ve been thinking about why i seem to have so much trouble with having any sort of a desire to post, and i’ve realized that it’s because i’ve been avoiding talking about the things that are really on my heart. the heavy stuff. i’ve been trying to keep this blog light-hearted, casual and sometimes funny. i will still talk about ants in the kitchen, construction in the backyard, that poor woman with the wolf-rats, and the towers flooding. but i will now also talk about the changes that will be going on in my heart.

let’s start with a little history. when i was a little girl, my mom told me something that i was determined to make come true. she said that she believed that God had a plan for me and that i was destined for great things. of course, every mother tells her children that–it’s like saying “you’re the most beautiful girl in the world,” or “you’re the best daughter ever!” or “sure honey, you have a wonderful voice….” it’s just what you’re supposed to say to your children. i was raised in the church and became a christian at a very young age. Immediately God began working on me. Let’s be honest, when God works on a person’s heart, he does not play around. Being an all-knowing Creator, he knows all the right buttons to push.

I am a very critically-minded person. I analyze everything. I break things down, look at them from every angle, and because of this, I usually avoid making a move because I feel that the “thinking about it” part is never complete. I don’t want to act because what if I missed something or didn’t think about something? I’m afraid of making the wrong choice. What my mom told me has affected every decision I have—or should I say “haven’t”—made. I have been afraid to pick a degree because what if I don’t pick the degree that God was going to use for His Kingdom?

I have tried SO hard to make sure that I was doing what God wanted me to do, that I have ended up spinning my wheels practically my entire life. I’ve known the entire time that I’m doing this, and many times I have gotten on my knees and said “I’m giving it up to you, God. Do with me what you will, guide my hands, my heart.” But saying that doesn’t make it come true. That’s only half of the equation.

And that’s where the true problem comes in. I have been relying on my faith in faith more than my faith in GOD HIMSELF. My faith in the church, my faith in the pastor, my faith in my parent’s faith and my brother’s faith. All the while, my own faith has been stagnant and lukewarm. My belief in God is passionate and true, my desire to pursue him as well. but my actual pursuit has been fumble after fumble. I want to know Him so badly, and to follow Him, I want Him to completely fill my heart and soul, to take complete control over my life and my mind and everything that I do and touch, but my actions to not follow my desires and I don’t understand why it is so hard for me to just sit down and meditate on Christ. My own walk with God is similar to an infant giraffe making desperate attempts to walk…for 20 years. One could argue, “well if you aren’t truly pursuing God, then you must not truly have the passion for Him that you say you have?”

My response would be “oh, well now that we got that cleared up, oh look we’re right where we started, and I still want to know God more.”

I don’t believe that you can rely on any person to help you with your walk in Christ because A) only God can bring you closer to Him and B) people don’t really know….anything. As much as any one person pursues Christ, no one directly knows how God works or what His plan is for the future outside of what He has allowed us to know in just about the most general terms possible. No one knows what is in any other person’s heart. I guess I always assumed that, like Moses, Noah, and Jonah, at some point God would just miraculously reveal himself to me and make it all clear—give me a check-off list and a map, “Go here, do this, then go here, pick up this, take it here, give it to this person, and grab me a burger and a milkshake while you’re there. K thanks bye.” But even for Moses, Noah and Jonah, it wasn’t that easy and it wasn’t that clear. Moses wandered blindly in the desert for 40 years, Noah was willing to look like an idiot building this giant boat for some reason (I’m pretty sure he didn’t even know what rain was, much less a flood) and Jonah was terrified of the difficult things God was telling him to do and tried to run. He was about 120% sure God was sending him to his death.  (***edit- Jonah wasn’t scared, he knew that God would be gracious with them and he didn’t want them to be saved, he wanted them to be destroyed–thanks Dad!***)

Me, I can’t explain how my brain is working. It’s not that I don’t have faith in God, it’s that I don’t have faith in myself, even though that’s essentially the same thing as not having faith in God because God MADE me, and relying on God means believe that God will get me through whatever path I put my faith in him leading me through. Say that five times fast.

SO. For the next God-set appointed amount of time, I am going to be on my knees. I believe that part of the reason we are in Japan is because, while I was in Charleston, I was mostly relying on Pastor Buster’s faith. It’s really easy to accidently start having faith in Buster’s amazing walk with Christ because the man is just absolutely blessed. It’s sometimes hard to imagine him ever stumbling. Being here, I can’t be dependent on a pastor. The churches out here are either completely opposite to what I believe, some convoluted version of Buddhism or Unitarianism, or the on-base church which is basically a “God is really nice, and you should be mostly nice too” kind of church.  I will still listen to Buster’s sermons on podcast and try to get to church here as much as Arron’s work schedule allows, but I am going to be earnestly on my knees and in my Bible every single day, and recording my thoughts and light-bulb moments in my blog.

Some of the changes I am starting with are pretty standard “revival of the heart” changes:

1. Posting little Bible verses on my mirror and fridge, and all throughout the house.
2. Avoiding television and spending most of my time in silence, accept for
3. Ditching secular music and only breaking the silence with Christian music like Kathryn Scott and Caedmon’s Call—THANKS MOM AND DAD FOR SENDING ME THAT MUSIC!!!
4. Spending every day in the word.
5. And learning how to meditate.

Simultaneously, I am also trying to purify my body of junk food. I am drinking a slim fast for breakfast and lunch, having 2-3 100cal snacks a day, such as those little 100cal fruit cups, or crackers with those tuna creations packets, and then a reasonably healthy dinner, usually involving grilled chicken and two types of veggies. I’m on day three of my diet and I’m definitely starting to notice “changes.” I spend a little bit of time hungry just because I’m used to just pigging out when I’m hungry. Now when I get hungry, I only eat a little bit, and it’s something healthy, not a Twix or ice cream or cookies. Don’t get me wrong I’m not fat, I’m not even really overweight, I weigh about 125-130 and I’m 5’7”. I’d like to lose about 10 lbs or so, and get tone. I want to be HEALTHY healthy, not just “ok technically you’re healthy for your height.”

SO, these are the changes, and this is the plan. For those of you reading this who do pray, I would certainly appreciate your prayers and support in my new adventure. My greatest fear at this point is that I will, like most projects, leave this one unfinished. That I will become distracted, burned out, frustrated, and give up. But this is of all projects the single most important of my life. This one is not just “I want to give it a try and see how it goes.” This one is mandatory, critical and giving up is out of the question. And of course, I can’t do it by myself and no one can do it for me. I have to rely on God. At this point, I don’t even have legs or arms. I must rely on god to be my wheel chair and my grabber. >.<

so i’ve started work, i’ve started class and i’ve started not sleeping again. i’m not sure why my body seems to have a vendetta against circadian rythms, i only know that it does and my tear ducts suffer for it-not due to crying, mind you. as anyone with sleep problems will tell you, it’s difficult to keep your corneas moist when you haven’t had a full nights sleep in at least a week. i would love to go to the doctor for it, but every time i schedule an appointment, i end up staring at the ceiling or the inside of my eyelids all night and falling asleep around 6 or 7am, and sleeping through the appointment as a result. curse you, over-active mind!!
i started work at the e-club as a bingo cashier. tons of fun, I guess. I like the job, it’s just mildly irritating how my black cloud seems to follow me into the most annoying places! It’s my black cloud that causes me to end up with at least a medium, if not a large shirt at every job I start because “I’m sorry we’re all out of smalls.”
I’m sorry, I thought you were a manager? I thought you were supposed to be a model of responsibility, organization, and decent giving-a-crap to be bothered with ordering a few t-shirts when you know you’re going to be hiring someone soon. you don’t want them walking around your floor looking like an unprofessional twig-in-a-tent, every Sunday, wednesday and Friday for the next three months because LORD KNOWS you won’t be bothered with ordering them any time soon either!!! Why, black cloud? Why me?
So now, I love my job, I just have to force myself out of the car every day, knowing I will look completely ridiculous, with at least 50-75 people staring at me fo the next 5 hrs. Ugh.

so, I think I will be picking up our new kitten on Monday or tuesday. They have been waiting on test results for feline leukemia for the last three weeks. I was completely convinced the kittens were gone and the lady had lied to me about posting the ad on YOKOTA ads but I was able to convince arron to go to the pet care center today and see, just see, if they were still there and they were!!! they are all so cute, I don’t know how we’ll ever pick! Their tails are all crooked in the most adorable and awkward ways lol! one of them completely spins around like a little piggies tail! aw and two of them are colored in the moat peculiar ways, it’s like a mixture of black and orange and brown and grey. Very pretty! They are all so precious though, sigh!! I just can’t wait for poor kiko to have someone play with! It’s so sad watching her chase invisibles, you just know she wants a little friend to run around the house with! I can’t wait to see them play!
and I started my new class on Monday and BOY is it tough. We learned 20 kanji and we had a test today. I got one wrong, I was so mad! But I made an 85 and I think that’s pretty darn good for so little sleep and time to study. I immediately got with mizu and jensen about study group, and we’ll meet tomorrow at 11 at the yujo! That’s great news for me! I need it! Mizu is an angel and a REALLY good teacher, she saved my butt last semester lol! I’m glad she’s doing this.
Well, if I have even a small prayer of sleeping tonight, I must hit the hay tonight so I can hit the books tomorrow. 御休みなさい 家!! Oyasuminasai uchi!

so i had a very eventful day yesterday. i woke up at 530am and went to the natatorium to go for a swim with a friend of mine (not sure if i’m supposed to name names in blogs, so i’ll name everyone anonymous till i specifically get permission i guess).  the only time i’d ever been to an indoor pool was with my grandma, so i was assuming it was just a big pool, only inside. come to find out, it was actually a massive “pool” with about six “lanes” in which a bunch of old men were swimming laps in speedos. ugh. i was feeling extremely uncomfortable in my blue leopard-print, 2 piece, string bikini. no wonder she asked me whether i was wearing a 2 piece or a 1 piece before we walked in. as it turns out, anonymous is quite an experienced swimmer and just picked up a lifeguarding position here at the natatorium. she comes here to swim laps so she can stay in shape. that’s all jolly but i feel like a fat idiot now as this old guy stares me down from four lanes over, wondering what the crap i’m doing here. >.<

this is how i felt at the pool and the guy in the background is how i felt everyone was looking at me

of course i’m not fat, i’m exactly the right weight for my height (5’7″, 130 lbs) but the atmosphere at the natatorium somehow makes me feel like a fatty. maybe it’s all in my head. it probably is. still, that old guy was staring, and not one of those “ooh hot young chick in a bikini, yum” kind of stares. more like “dern hoodlums runnin’ around in bikinis, taking up lanes serious swimmers are sposed to be using. where’s your mum!” kind of stares. well i’m not one to lie down and take it. i’m going out and getting a 1 piece, and i’m going right back to the natatorium with anonymous and using that lane, and i’m gonna swim my fat little butt off. yes i said fat little butt.

******WARNING: the following 2 paragraphs are a mildly graphic, yet somewhat entertaining tale of my experience during a pap smear. nothing new for women, but men may find it a little…well…ew. if you don’t want to read, skip down 2 paragraphs. otherwise, be my guest. but you know that curiosity is just gonna get ya ******

so after swimming, i went home and got changed because i had a 130 doctors appointment for a screening for *deep movie preview voice* CERVICAL CANCER. DUH DUH DUUUUH. yes, that’s right. we’ve all seen the irritating commercials where that girl with the voice that makes you want to sniff and clear your throat, gets HPV which turns into cervical cancer, and for some reason decides that she got it from “an old boyfriend from college”? do WHAT? i guess, in college she slept with every living thing on 2 legs, but after college she remained celibate until marriage, and for some reason her husband couldn’t possibly have given her HPV… i know i’m a little critical of this retarded commercial, but come on–if they want us to take cervical cancer seriously, at least put a little thought into your story line.

so i’m thinking this is just going to be a regular pap smear, right? well, actually i’m thinking, why didn’t they test for this during my pap smear? and, “regular” and “pap smear” aren’t two things that go together in my brain. no pap smear is ever a normal experience for me. i mean, every woman knows that is just a terrible experience. i mean, really? it’s 2010 and there are still cold metal specula out there? i wonder why no one has thought of using, i dunno a rubber coated speculum or something so it’s a little less, um, PAINFUL!? yeah, they lubricate the thing, but it’s still at best hard plastic. and i’m always a trip with those poor doctors. during my first pap smear, the doctor tried to insert the speculum, kind of tilted her head, made a weird face and said, “um. you’re shaped weird.” thanks, mean lady. she then asked me to “grasp your hands together under your back, maybe that’ll even things out a bit”…still with a weird face. sigh. that’s a regular pap smear for me. this was not anything like a regular pap smear. this wasn’t just checking things out, making sure it looks and feels normal. well, normal for me. this was a “take that speculum and JAM it in there and scuh-raaaaaaape a big chunk of flesh out of there!” pap smear. it’s been over 24 hours and my cervix is still pissed and my uterus is having sympathy pains. good GRIEF. we can perform surgery on infants in the womb and we can’t put a numbing cream in before we scrape a cervix? fortunately i have a very supportive husband who allowed his hand to be crushed for like the fifth time at the doctors office this year. the poor thing knows he may not make it out alive but he still bravely goes on that suicide mission every time. i love you so much, boo. <3

yeah. that's how it feels.

so that was the second part of my day. we went straight from there to get me some food (lol) and then to the pet care center to get a kitten. I’ve been wanting a kitten so kiko can have a friend. she follows me all over the house and it’s kind of sad to see her playing all alone. i think she needs a friend, especially to keep her company when we’re not here. i know cats sleep a lot but she’ll be passed out somewhere when we leave and in the exact same spot when we come home six hours later. i really think that at least sometimes she just sleeps out of boredom. so we went to the pet care center to look at kittens. i’d heard two days earlier that they had a “crapload of kittens”. well a “crapload” turned out to be one litter and they were awaiting “test results” which wouldn’t be back for 2-3 weeks and we couldn’t even claim one. sigh. they were SO cute and those stupid ladies didn’t even let us take one out and hold it. gah. so i’m gonna keep checking back–like every day–until the results come in and then we’re taking one home with us. i’ve heard bad things about those ladies too. i don’t like em, no not one bit. arron says it’s cause i’m super critical, and maybe it is, but i don’t like people that keep poking sticks on hand to shove in at helpless kitties in cages. i’d like to shove a poking stick in her face and see if she doesn’t get mean.

well, as a p.s., go check out the Anna Ternheim video, i don’t know how, but i fixed it, and after a rather frustrating day, i think i’ll end on a relevant and positive note

William Fitzsimmons (amazing bio)

Anna Ternheim 

Greg Laswell

Rosi Golan

and since i hate word press because it seems like i can’t do anything, i’m just going to put this video in a separate post.